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If you want to understand what women want, don't ask them Women wanting affair 85302 affajr relationships; ask them about their affairs.

In writing my book The State of AffairsI came to realize again and again that illicit relationships offer a window like no other into the mysteries of female desire.

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Women wanting affair 85302 this is because, in the context of marriage and committed relationships, women are still accustomed to doing things according to cultural norms and expectations — whether due to pressure, obligation, or simply as part of a trade-off. What women do in marriage tells us less about what they want than about what they value.

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Women wanting affair 85302 their affairs, however, we get a penetrating glimpse into their free will. Far be it from me to justify infidelity, but as a seeker of truth, I have come to find wantung truth often hides in places that are less comfortable. A woman I'll call Madison, 31, has been living with a man I'll call Steve for almost five years.

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They met at the Brooklyn coworking space where she runs her startup. She tells me that she Women wanting affair 85302 Steve and affxir believes they'll get married and have a family in a few years' time. But two months ago, she reconnected with her college boyfriend on Facebook, and Granny sex date of centralia illinois been hooking up.

When I inquire as to why, she tells me that in the last year, she has lost interest in sex. But then it just became such an effort, I couldn't muster it up.

It really freaked me out. I'd Women wanting affair 85302 it because he wanted to, and sometimes I'd get into it, but mostly I felt numb. I reached out to my old flame to find out if I had really lost that part of myself.

Madison discovered that her playful, erotic self was far from dead. In my conversations with her, we explore the fact that she often finds it difficult to hold on to her own Women wanting affair 85302 in the context of her relationships.

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In her affair, however, she knows for a fact that she is doing what she actually wants. She's not taking care Affaif anybody; this is just for her. Secrecy becomes her pathway to autonomy.

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She is no wznting playing a culturally sanctioned role — the nice girl, the girlfriend, the wife, the mother. Through talking to women like Madison about their affairs, Women wanting affair 85302 observed a few themes about their sexuality:.

One of the most widely held beliefs about Women wanting affair 85302 sexuality is that it is rooted in security and commitment. It's commonly thought that men are not really wired for monogamy while women are Women seeking sex in Bena-kana naturally inclined to be content with commitment or exclusiveness.

Men, the theory goes, need novelty and variety in order to feel turned on, while women need closeness and attachment.

Researcher Marta Meana Warrington girls for dating us to question this assumption. If it were true that women's sexuality is primarily dependent on relational connectedness — love, commitment, Women wanting affair 85302 security — then shouldn't sex be thriving in loving, committed relationships? But too often, it's not. Take Madison, for example, and the countless other women like her who've reached out to me in recent years.

In many cases, though surely not all, when the spark dies, it's a woman who shuts down first and loses interest in her partner — male or female. Meana suggests that in fact, "Women may be just as turned on as Women wanting affair 85302 by the novel, the illicit, the raw, the anonymous, but the arousal value of these may not be important enough to women to trade in things they value more i. But women are well trained to put their emotional needs ahead of their erotic needs — they have much to gain from choosing stable relationships over sexual pleasure.

It doesn't surprise me that Madison still intends to marry Steve — but it also doesn't surprise me that she's reconnected with the ex who wasn't "husband material. Research shows that men remain sexually interested Women wanting affair 85302 their partners for longer, with the decline of desire happening gradually.

Women tend to lose their interest in a shorter amount of time and rather precipitously.

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I can't tell you how many desperate husbands have shown up in my office with a reluctant wife in tow, telling me that they are tired of the nightly rejections. No matter how much I try to help out around the house or encourage her to take a break, I affaif get lucky.

She's just not interested in eanting anymore. All of this reinforces the commonly held belief that women's sex drives just aren't Women wanting affair 85302 strong as men's. But more often than Wives want nsa New Eagle might imagine, those same Women wanting affair 85302 shock themselves and their partners by ending up in a torrid affair.

So what does this tell us? Not that women are less interested in sex, but that women become less interested in wannting sex they can have. Female desire is a drive that needs to be stoked Women wanting affair 85302 intensely and more imaginatively if women are not to lose interest.

And because women's sexuality is so responsive to context, it's less Women wanting affair 85302 one man versus another and more about the narrative in which the sex is taking place — the story she weaves for herself and the character she gets to play within it.

Madison is enchanted by the girl who jumps on the subway at lunchtime to meet her lover at his studio. The girl who makes dinner for her boyfriend leaves her cold.

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An affair is always an erotic plot that is inherently exciting. We often hear straight men say Women wanting affair 85302 nothing turns them on more than to see a woman who's really into it. But that's rarely what I hear women say about their partners.

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What turns a woman on is to be the turn-on. The unspoken truth about women's sexuality Women wanting affair 85302 how narcissistic it is. Womrn using that term not in a pejorative sense but as an indicator of a woman's ability to focus on herself, away from her caretaking identity. An affair is the antidote to a woman's social world, which revolves around tending to the needs of others.

Madison and Steve's Brooklyn apartment is hardly a suburban family home, but she still Women wanting affair 85302 like a wife, with motherhood waiting a few years down the road. The selflessness required of the wife and mother is at odds with the selfishness that afcair inherent to desire. When women find themselves in caretaking roles, Women on cam Honiton sometimes find it difficult to embrace the kind of self-absorption that is essential to sexual pleasure.

If she's busy taking care of others, Sexy wants nsa Recife cannot retreat 83502 her own body, feel her own pleasure, and encourage her own mounting excitement.

Some women can just take agfair Women wanting affair 85302 apron, put the baby to bed, and let go. But others find that they can do this only when they are outside of the home, and with someone who has no need of their caretaking.

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Women often seek commitment because it's the ultimate affirmation — to be chosen above all others. But ironically, once the commitment is made, the equation shifts. Rooted in evolutionary theories, we tend Having sex in Greabanul think of women's desire as more discriminating. When a woman wants a man, he can be Women wanting affair 85302 sure that it's him she wants.

Want to Know What Women Want? Ask Them About Their Affairs. | Lenny Letter

But we see men's desire as more indiscriminate. Hence, when a man wants a woman, she's never really sure if he wants her or just wants sex. And this is even more true Women wanting affair 85302 committed relationships, where the woman may suspect that she is simply the convenient object Women wanting affair 85302 desire, rather than the chosen subject.

He doesn't seem to care if I wear my sexy lingerie or just some old pajamas. He just gets on with it. With her lover, however, who is also risking his own marriage, she feels more confident that it's her he wants. Madison's story challenges a common myth about infidelity and gender: Women, the story goes, stray only when they are sad, lonely, and love-starved.

Men, on the other hand, are driven beyond the marital bed by the force of their physical desires. A little historical context helps put this assumption in perspective. Let's not forget that throughout history, men had license to cheat with impunity, Women wanting affair 85302 supported by a host of Ugh da bears suck any bears babes want to play today about their roaming natures.

Women faced pregnancy, mortality, public shame, and ostracism.

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Even today, there are still nine countries where a Women wanting affair 85302 can be killed for straying. So while it may be true that over the centuries women have been more likely to cheat fafair they were miserable, maybe that's because the consequences were too dire to do it for more frivolous reasons.

If women didn't stand to lose everything, perhaps they would Women wanting affair 85302 wait until they were desperate. Madison has wantihg her fling, but she feels bad about lying to Steve.

She wants their relationship to work, and she asks me what she can do to reignite their erotic connection.

I often say to my patients that if they could bring into their relationships even a tenth of the boldness, the playfulness, and the verve that they bring to their affairs, their home life would feel quite different. Our creative imagination seems to be richer when it comes to our transgressions than to our commitments. It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook.

Her Women wanting affair 85302 book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelityis out now. Learn more at estherperel. Selfishness is sexy. Women wanting affair 85302 is not proof of desire. Topics relationship affair esther perel Chubby Colchester girl into asian guys the state of affairs.